49. The End

So there you have it. That's the whole story as to how I came to be known as the "L.A.P.Ditz" who forced a handsome war hero, police captain and victim's rights advocate to step down from public office only hours after being elected.

With everything happening so publicly in the end, what choice did I have but fess up to what I knew -- even if I couldn't prove a word of it?

For his part, the captain never denied his long held suspicions about a shadowy vigilante hit squad operating within Hollywood Division. Admittedly distracted during the city attorney campaign, he didn't even disavow the department's mishandling of attempts to identify those who may have been involved. Any lingering question as to whether it had all been for political gain, though, was overshadowed by his belated disclosure of a passing acquaintance with a budding serial killer he neglected to mention during the trial of the century.

In my own defense, it was actually the late suspect's fiancee -- in fear for her own life after Sally "Pemba" Pembroke's untimely death -- who blabbed that one to state investigators brought in to sort out the mess. The coroner ruled out foul play, noting a previously undiagnosed heart condition consistent with untimely swooning before empty elevator shafts. Even if you bought that one, it was hard to ignore the fact the former Beverly Hills madame had been the last link between the dead stripper, the suicidal serial killer and pretty much every cop in town.

Obviously I was relieved to be out of the hot seat myself, since I'd made every attempt to get Pemba to spill her guts in a deserted basement -- becoming the last known person to see her alive. Ironically, the captain's statement about running into Pemba in the stairwell en route to our supposed poolside tryst  put to rest any suspicions about either one of us offing her. With that, he and his embarrassing little "Cherry Bomb" once again became each others' best alibis.

An even more colorful end to the captain's political future came with the discovery of his wife's involvement with another woman. I'm not sure whether she volunteered her feelings for her trusty sidekick before or after she confessed to dragging her feet in the Hollister case, but her career was pretty much over either way. The rest of the country can say what they want about Hollywood, but we don't care for that kind of hypocrisy among our better looking officials. Allison was transferred to a desk job in Washington, where Jane hopes to join her after getting out of Betty Ford. How's that for a Hollywood ending?

As for me, I'm still working nights in the Records Room here at Hollywood Division. If you think you have on-the-job stress, try accusing your boss of being a paid assassin. Let's just say there's not a lot of chit chat between us around the water cooler. Some day I'm going to corner him in the copy room -- without the aid of a loaded weapon -- and demand to know if he ever really loved me. I'm thinking he'll cool off a little by Christmastime. He likes to have a few pops with the jailers and play Santa for the non-violent offenders.

On the up side, I've been promoted to permanent status, which includes not only a very generous medical, dental and vision plan, but also a coveted badge and uniform. It feels like a bit of a hollow victory, meant to remove any suggestion of improper treatment given my whistle blower status.

The important thing is never letting go of my dreams. This is still just a day job -- with a fresh haul of well-placed Hollywood sex offenders to process each and every morning. I plan to deliver Renee Zellweger's Oscar-winning Roxie Hart monologue from "Chicago" while booking and printing my next chagrined studio head.

Despite all leads pointing to Rita's shady business dealings with her mob-connected landlord, both murders remain unsolved.

If you really believe this is the end of the story, you've never seen a horror movie.

You also forgot about the not-so-secret safe deposit box harboring several pieces of unexamined evidence -- along with six million dollars worth of smuggled diamonds in search of a rightful owner. As we say in Hollywood, let's save it for the sequel...xxxCherry